Happy Mother's Day and on Being a Momma Bear

I am a Mummy.


And being a Mum is NOT for fucking sissies. 

You have to seriously multi-task and play many roles on a daily basis.  We are doctors, we are therapists, we are negotiators, we are judges, we play, we shout, we sing, we plead, we bribe, we discipline - but most of us wouldn't change it for the world!


What a blessing it is being a mum. 

And I got to do it TWICE - how lucky am I? 

The love you feel immediately is Indescribable - you simply cannot put that kind of instant love into words.  Momma Bears will fight to the death for their Baby Bears.  Momma Homosapiens will do the same.  Mums feel the same wherever you go and whatever species you are.  We share a bond - we will do pretty much anything for our offspring.  But beware, don't piss us off or show weakness or we WILL fucking eat you.


However, some days I will tell you that I will sell my Aspies Girl-Child for beer money but everyone knows I'm only 87.9% serious.  They roll their eyes and shake their heads and think I'm speaking in jest.... 


Yeah, its not easy being a mum, you don't get a manual, you don't get training, you don't get a personal educator to show you the ropes. 

You may get a tattered self-help book written in the Sixties passed down from the other mummy-people in your family but it never makes much sense and you certainly don't use it for reference in crisis situations.  It gets tossed on the bookshelf to collect another decade of dust until you can pass it onto another mummy-to-be in your family.


Happy Mother's Day to all the Momma Bears out there.


Enjoy your day off - yeah right?  Momma Bears NEVER get the day off...

My Momma Bear taught me everything I know - especially how to be silly

(these are not my mum's real teeth and she would be horrified that I posted this picutre of her!)

I love you Mum!

Why I love Being A Mum

1) NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

3) KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers & wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother.. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE (I love this one)

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'