Foul Language

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

Number 1

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.

INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.

Number 2

TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.

INSTEAD OF: She's a fucking bitch!

Number 3

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.

INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this by?

Number 4

TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.

INSTEAD OF: No fucking way!

Number 5

TRY SAYING: Really?

INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me!

Number 6

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...

INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit!

Number 7

TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.

INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.

Number 8

TRY SAYING: That's interesting.

INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?

Number 9

TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.

INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work.

Number 10

TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.

INSTEAD OF: Why the fuck didn't you tell me sooner?

Number 11

TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues...

INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his arse.

Number 12

TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?

INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.

Number 13

TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?

INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass!

Number 14

TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.

INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.

Number 15

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.

INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your arse.

Number 16

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.

INSTEAD O F: This fucking job sucks.

Number 17

TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?

INSTEAD OF: Who the fuck died and made you boss?

Number 18

TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.

INSTEAD OF: He's a prick.

Thank You,

Human Resources

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You Gotta Be Shittin Me!

Yesterday I got a phone call on our landline at home.

I never get calls on my land line unless its my mum because firstly she's one of the few who actually have the number and secondly we mostly use it for the internet connection.

Anyhoo, Saturday afternoon and the phone rings and My Boerewors picks it up. I know immediately that its not my mum by the tone of voice he uses and the fact that he hands me the phone with a complete straight poker face.

and that's all I really listened to. The Bitch went on for ages yakking in a monotone voice about life insurance, insurance for my life insurance and whatever other fucking insurance she could blab about. Eventually I held the phone away from my ear because this Yakkity-Ann wasn't coming up for a fuckin' breath.

"Hi Mrs Hefer this is Janelle from Liberty Life. If I could have a few minutes of your time to tell you about ....."

I think they purposesly employ candidates with large lung capacities just in case you want to get a word in anywhere in the conversation. They hardly take a breath between sentenses and don't even wait for cues from you that you're actually listening.

Eventually, I put the handset down on the couch next to me while Liberty Fadoodle blethered on for another few minutes. Kaylin (my five year old) saw all this happening and took it upon herself to pick up the phone and say one word to Liberty Bagpuss.

"Yebo?!"

Yebo means Yes in Zulu.

I couldn't stop laughing...

...guess what

The annoyinng Fur Burger called back a few hours later to talk to me again and went through the entire schpeel again..

I SHIT YOU NOT!

Rinse Repeat.

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