Wish You Were Beer

For many blokes (and I suppose some girls too) the best way to unwind after a hard day’s work is to gulp down a mug of ice cold beer.

Beer refreshes the mind and body, makes people more sociable, make the opposite sex look more attractive (you know "nice from far but far from nice"?) 


It also helps people shed their inhibitions and approach the opposite sex without the fear of getting rejected or laughed at.

So, when the great comic Jerry Seinfeld said that 90% of people are able to date only because of alcohol, he probably actually meant a 'few pitchers of American lager'.

The best thing about beer is that it is as useful for non-drinkers as it is for drinkers. It can be used for a number of purposes – right from cooking to cleaning. I shit you not!

Use beer as a marinade

You can use beer to marinate meat and mushrooms, to boil shrimp, and to bake bread. It can also be used in a batter for a delicious fish and chips meal or seafood platter.

"I never met a pub I didn't like."

Beer as a hair masque

You can apply flat beer to your hair, leave it for a few minutes, and rinse thoroughly. The natural sugars and vitamin B present in beer make your hair stronger and softer, and give it a healthy glow.

"Life, alas, is very drear. Up with the glass! Down with the beer!"

Add beer to your bath for a natural exfoliant

You can add a couple of kegs of beer to your bath and soak your body in the all-natural goodness for a while. The beer bubbles will gently exfoliate and cleanse your skin and leave it looking refreshed.

Now, some of you might shudder at the thought of your favourite beverage doing down the drain, but it is totally worth it. 

 "I work until beer o’clock." - Steven King

Beer is a natural slug repellant

Looking for a less sinister way to kill those slugs and snails that wreak havoc in your garden? Here is an idea. Bury a wide-mouthed bottle or container in your garden. Make sure its top is slightly higher than the ground level. Pour some leftover beer in it and leave it alone.

Slugs and snails, just like humans, have a thing for the golden liquid. So, they will get in to the container for a quiet drink, drown in it, and die peacefully. 

 "I'm off for a quiet pint – followed by fifteen noisy ones."

Use beer to clean stains

You can use beer to clean stubborn stains on your carpet and upholstery. 

“There is nothing for a case of nerves like a case of beer.”

Clean your jewellery with beer

Beer can be used as a cheaper, more effective replacement for cleaning solutions. You can soak your pieces of jewellery in beer, wipe them clean with a cloth, and polish them lightly using a dry cloth. You can also polish metal containers the same way. 

“Twenty-four hours in a day; twenty-four beers in a case. Coincidence?”

Use beer on wooden furniture

You can dampen a piece of cloth with flat beer and use it to clean your wooden furniture. 

“Well I woke up this mornin’ and I got myself a beer.” - Jim Morrison

Beer can prevent kidney stones

People who have had kidney stones swear that they are tear-your-hair-out painful. If you want to prevent kidney stones or flush out a few, you can drink beer. It is a diuretic that helps you pass lots of urine, which is your best bet to pass kidney stones easily. 

“I will make it a felony to drink small beer.” - Shakespeare Henry IV

Use beer to repel bees and flies

Planning to host a party or a backyard barbecue and worried that bees and flies might show up as uninvited guests and spoil your party? Keep a few containers of beer at the yard. Flies and bees will be attracted to it and stay away from your party. 

“Hmmmm Beer: The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.” - Homer Simpson

A natural fertiliser

Now, for that existential question that confronts all of mankind today – what to do with leftover beer? The answer is simple. Sprinkle it on your houseplants, garden vegetables, and grass. It will help your plants and grass absorb the nutrients they need to grow.

“Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your beer.” - Lady Astor to Winston Churchill, to which he replied, "Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it."